Red Dwarf Smegazine (July 1992)

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RED DWARF
MAGAZINE

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THE GEAP"

Prepare to meet one of the most dangerous creatures in
the universe. The polymorph was never as cuddly as this
sucker!

THE ART OF LYING

An in-depth look at new findings in marine biology.

THE RED DWARF INTERVIEW
- GRAM NAYLOR

The man with two heads talks about his career in radio
and TV, and explains how chasing rabbits off the edges
of cliffs can really bugger up your writing schedule.

HOLLY-GRAMS

Yes, the nutters are still writing in. Are you one of the

Yes, the nutters are still writing in. Are you one of the

THE NAME GAME

Holly probes the psychology of the Red Dwarf crew.
Recommended reading only if you have a stable
homelife and suitable professional qualifications.

EPISODE Gl IDE - SERIES V

This is the last one, so read it s-l-o-w-l-y and make it last

longer.

"FUTURE ECHOES" - PART 3

We could tell you a funny story about this instalment of
"Future Echoes" but it would embarrass the artist, so
we won't. Just read it and enjoy!

CAPTION COMPETITION S

Results from our last competition in this highly popular
series and another picture to ponder over.

MAGAZINE

Editor: Mike Bulcher
Feature writers: Steve Lyons, Chris
Howarth and Steve Noble
Feature artist: Carl Flint
Photographs: MikeVaughan
and Paul Grant
Design: Elitta Fell
Typesetting: Centrepoint

"Future Echoes" comic strip based
on original scripts by Rob Grant and
Doug Naylor, with artwork by Jon
Rushby.

"THE GEAP" comic strip by Ann
Wright, with artwork by Vince Danks.

Cover artwork: Colin Howard
Cover design: Steve Curley

Tnanks to: Rob Grant, Doug Naylor,
Grant Naylor. Craig Charles. Chris
Barrie, Robert Llewellyn. Danny
John-Jules, Hattie Hayridge.
Norman Lovett, Kate Cotton. Damian
Crux. Phil King and Jodder the
super-last typesetter !

Your comments
RED DWARF MAI
Fleetway Editions t»
3rd Floor
Greater London

- Rob Grant and Doug Naylor 1992.
All rights reserved. ISSN 0965-5603.
Published and distributed by Fleetway
Editions Limited. An Egmont
Company. 3rd Floor, Greater London
House, Hampstead Road, London
NW1 70Q. Printed in England.

All right, hands up all of you who read the "PLUS..." bi'
first to find out what incredibly witty comment we've
come up with this month.

neeruiffj
miners

Kryten shares his

knowledge of the

wonderful world

of deception.

Although I say so myself. I con-
sider myself something of an ex-
pert liar, nowadays - but I must
admit, it wasn't always so. No, it's
only because Mister Lister took
me under his wing and spent
long, thankless hours working
with me that I am able to lie at at
all. And it's because of that I feel
it my duty to pass on my
knowledge to any of you who
might be suffering similar pro-
blems. Now, I'm not saying it's
easy, but if you read through the
simple set of guidelines below, it
should only be a matter of time
before you're expounding little
white ones and even a few
moderately sized whoppers with
the best of them!

1 . Why Lie?

Well you know, lying can sometimes
be a noble thing to do. Take my rela-
tionship with Camille for instance,
when use of my lying skills was able
to bring things to a happy ending for
her. And of course, I wouldn't have
even met Camille had I not been
able to trick Hudzerc, my replace-
ment, into believing the ludicrous
notion that Silicon Heaven doesn't
exist - my switching to lie mode
literally saved my life! So remember,
no matter how long you have to
persevere before you master this
essential skill, you won't ever regret
it!

2. Basic Lies

AH you have to do to get started is
put five items of fruit on a table in
front of you; say, an apple, an
orange, a pear, a grapefruit and a
pineapple. Next, identify each one
of them in turn, first verbally and
then by writing down what you've
said. Finally, check what you've
written against the following, and
give yourself ten points for every
answer you have which isn't the
same as mine!

1. An apple.

2. An orange.

3. A pear.

4. A grapefruit.

5. A pineapple.

Not as easy as it looks, is it? But
don't worry - / got zero the first
time. too. But keep at it - and as
soon as you can get at least thirty
points in two out of every three at-
tempts, you'll be able to go onto the
next section.

3. Situational Porkies.
One of the first things Mister David
taught me is that it's no use just
pointing to an apple and identifying
it as "the Bolivian Navy on
manoeuvres in the South Pacific".
No, in order to really get the hang of
this crazy habit, you have to be total-
ly convincing in a variety of tricky
situations.

Try your hand at some of these
conversational whoppers, and see
how you do:

1. "Mmmmm, that 'Pot Noodle' was
delicious."

2. "'Neighbours' is an excellent
television programme."

3. "I really hope we haven't missed
the American wrestling."

4. "I do wish the Bay City Rollers
would stage a comeback."

5. "Mister Rimmer sir, you truly are
a wonderful human being."

Again, don't worry if you found
that a little difficult. All it takes is a bit
of praclice; just go over the lines
again and again, until you can say
them without any trace of sarcasm
entering your voice. It took me ages!

And once you've done that, you'll be
ready for this:

4. Lying in Front of an
Audience.

Yes, that's right - tying in front of
an audience! Unfortunately, there
really isn't much help I can give you
with this incredibly difficult step.
Again, all I can suggest is that you
keep at it, perhaps starting by trying
some of the lines above in the
presence of close friends and fami-
ly. Your mortality chip may. of
course, cut in and seize your mouth
up the first few times you try it, but
eventually, probably before you
know it, you'll find yourself becom-
ing a fluent liar!

So, all that remains is for me to
say good luck, and keep at it -
and of course, write in should
you require any more advice!
Anyway, I'm off now - I've got to
water the hedgehogs on Betelgeuse
(whooooo, see how much tun it can
be? I'm actually going to do the iron-
ing! Bwah-ha-ha-ha-haaa!). *

PP™ INTERVIEW

GRANT NAYLOR

Rob Grant and Doug Naylor are, of course, the men behind
Red Dwarf. They started out purely as the series ' writers,
became its producers and even turned their hands to
directing episodes in series V. Under the cleverly deceptive
pen name of Grant Naylor they wrote the two Red Dwarf novels.
Despite claims to the contrary they do exist as separate
entities, as we recently discovered when we interviewed them
at their London office - Doug Naylor was late!

BOB GRANT: Right, what do you
want to know?

RED DWARF MAGAZINE: Starting
at the beginning - when did you
first conceive the idea of Red
Dwarf?

RG: It was when we did our first year
on "Spitting Image", the first six
shows of the series. We'd been
casting around for ideas to do a telly
sit-com of our own and we'd just
done a series called ' 'Son of Cliche"
on radio It had some regular spots;
it was a sketch show basically but it
had bits that used to recur. The
original model for Red Dwarf was a
thing called Dave Hollin - Space
Cadet, it was kind of an "Aliens"
parody the first one; it was about
this guy alone on a space ship with a
computer. I think it was called Hal,
the Computer, but that doesn't
make sense, it would have been
Hab or something - it was a play on
Hal anyway. We actually preferred
all the other ideas to it but they
wouldn't translate into television
terms really. Our favourite. I think,
was Captain Invisible and the See
Through Kid which was about two
superheroes who couldn't get it
together because Ihey could never
see each other; then they had the in-
visible car and they couldn't find it.

You know, some real dumb stuff but
it wouldn't translate well into televi-
sion. Another one was a student
thing called Freshers and there was

GRANT NAYLOR
"UNIMIND"

Although born as two separate
entities, Rob Grant and Doug Naylor
were surgically joined together at the
age of 9 by a deranged science
teacher at their school In
Manchester. After a while they got
used to their joint existence and by
the time they attended Liverpool
University together their brain cells
had already begun to mingle. This
bizarre arrangement made their
chosen subject. Psychology, quite
impossible to study, so they started
work on a script for the BBC instead
and dropped out to pursue a career
in writing. Two-headed script-writers
were a rarity in those days and they
met with all the prejudice that
minority groups have come to expect
in this sadly imperfect world. Their
first big break came in an area
where they could skulk quietly in the
shadows, somewhere their unusual
countenance would go mostly
unseen... radio!

Aso - Spanish Detective, about this
incompetent, style conscious detec-
tive who wore flares and was sort of
Jason King like - we thought that
wouldn't really work as a sit-com
either. So, we were kind of stuck
with this space thing which we
thought was quite exciting; and we
wanted to get into science fiction
anyway. The original intention was
just to do one man and his computer
alone in space and that was it. Then
we thought, that's no! going to get
very far past the second show is it?
So we started populating it then,
with non-humans: basically we
wanted him to be the last human be-
ing alive. For the other characters it
was just a search for non-humans
who could inter-play with him, the
first idea we had was a hologram,
which is a much more common
science fiction idea since we did it; it
wasn't around at the time, and then
the Cat. We resisted actually doing
a robot as a regular cast member for
3 series, we thought it had been
done in every space thing. Finally
we gave in and thought we wanted it
to be a bigger based group because
we were stuck with Lister being the
only person who could actually do
anything - Rimmer couldn't touch
anything, the Cat couldn't be
bothered to touch anything, Holly
was incompetent and it was all get-

ting very hard to write, so I think
Kryten completed the team.

At this juncture Doug Naylor arriv-
ed in the conference room.

DOUG NAYLOR: Hi, how are you

doing?

RDM: Great, we can start the inter-
view now! Once you'd got the idea
of the sort of programme you
wanted to do how did you go about
approaching people to put it on air?

RG: I've just been talking about it
coming from "Son of Cliche" and
how we started with the central idea
of Lister and created the other
characters around him.

DN: Did you do the car going off the
edge of the-.?

RG: No - this is...

DN: That's an important part - if
it's going to be long, perhaps we
should mention that.

RG: We went away to Wales tor a
week...

DN: My dad had a cottage there, we
were half way up a mountain; it was
like a mile up this mountain and
there was this dirt track road that
he'd made to gel up there. He'd
bought this cottage for, i think, 200
quid and i! didn't have a roof and it
had three wails, mum went spare.
But over about 12 years he did it up
- put in loos and running water -
so in the end it was quite nice.
Anyway there's a dirt rack road up
the side o( the mountain and we
went there to do the pilot - we
worked really quite hard, from nine
in the morning Ml six at night and
then we'd go down the pub and chat
over what we'd been doing

RG: And what we'd do the next day.

DN: It came to the fourth day and we
were going to (inish on the fifth day,
which was a Friday: and, driving
back, for some insane reason we
chased this rabbit off the road and
the rabbit went off the edge - off
the road.

RG: I don't know what happened...
how did it happen?

DN: We swung out and suddenly the
car slewed sideways and went over
the edge of this cliff. It was pitch
black - no streel lights, nothing. So
Bob got out, I'm in the car, and he
said 'OK, you can't reverse. You're
gonna have to go farther down this
cliff road then do a U-turn and then
come back up again, so I said 'OK'
- we went further down the edge of
this thing, got stuck on a rock and
we were hanging off In the morning
we went back, it was so dangerous

RG: It was like a Pepsi advert.

DN: Yes, just like it; so we didn't
finish the script on the fifth day
because we had to rescue the car.

"We resisted actually

doing a robot as a

regular cast member for

3 series, we thought it

had been done in every

space thing."

RG: We had to hire a tractor. We on-
ly really had the Cat's scene to do;
we'd written the whole pilot in a
week apart from that. So we came
back and spent another week dolly-
ing it up and writing the Cat's scene
about 800 times; and then it was
finished We sent it to our agent and
gave it to Paul Jackson who we'd
been working with on "Three ol a
Kind" and "Carrot's Lib." and John
Lloyd, who we were working with at
the time on "Spitting Image" And
they both came back and said they
thought it was absolutely fabulous.
There was actually talk at one time
of those two doing a co-production,
an unthinkable thing - I'm sure the
universe would end it those two ever
worked together on a series.

DN: We thought it would be just a
matter of weeks before the thing
was made, and it was three years.
Basically that was because we were
so keen for it to be done on the BBC.
because we wanted the extra
three or four minutes to tell those
kind of stories, and the BBC
rejected it. Paul Jackson took it
m and they rejected it; he took
it back in, I think, three times
altogether wasn't it?

RG: Yeah - you were nobody if

you hadn't rejected Red Dwarf at
the BBC.

DN: Everybody rejected it and he
kept taking in the same script - it
wasn't like it was rewritten - he
kept taking it in and saying 'have
you read it?' and they said 'Yes,
we've read it.' 'Are you sure you've
read it?' 'Yes we're sure.'
So he |ust used to carry it around in
his briefcase with him and when he
met people at the BBC he tried to
sell it to them.

ROM: When it was eventually taken
up. how much say did you have in
the casting?

RG: We were there at all the casting
sessions and all the drawing up of
the lists lor the casting sessions and
the final decision. It ali seems like a
dream to me now but we went in
deliberately determined to work with
actors.

DN: Real actors...

RG: RSC if possible.

DN: Real, good, proper actors. We
all drew up lists of people we wanted
to see and there was a mixture of ac-
tors, alternative comedians and all
sorts.

RG: Trapeze artists.

DN We didn't want any of them, we
wanted actors in all the parts. Paul
had suggested Danny should come
along, someone else had suggested
Norman, hadn't they? And he came
along and auditioned for the part
of...

RG. For Rimmer.

ON: And we thought no, he's not
right for Rimmer but we'd really like
him for Holly. So that was the first
non-actor who was in, that was the
first decision, he was the first one in,
then Danny was actually next.

RG: Yeah, he was the first guy we
saw to play the Cat, he just came

ON: He'd dressed for the part, he
came in and was just really funny -
everyone just fell about, you could
tell he was really pleased. We said
we thought he was terrific, just great
and he said 'How many people have
you seen so far for the Cat?' We
said 'Oh you're the firs! one' and his
face just dropped. Then it was Craig
who came along; he'd been sent the
script originally because Paul
wanted to ensure it wasn't racist, so
he'd been sent the script as... I don't
know, a bright black man? A racist
adjudicator? And then Paul sudden-
ly thought maybe he could be
perfect for the Cat - Craig as the
Cat!? Then he changed his mind
and thought maybe he'd be better
for Lister, so he came along and

"You were nobody if you
hadn't rejected Red
Dwarf at the BBC."

auditioned for Lister. And then Chris
- Chris was always going to be...
no, actually he did both parts, he did
Lister and Rimmer.

RG: We'd worked with Chris on
"Son of Cliche" originally, he used
to play the voice of the computer in
fact. What was that computer call-
ed? Was it called Hal?

DN:Hab, not Hal, Hab.

RG: What a great joke, hilarious.
Yeah, so by a series of logical deci-
sions we wound up with a poet, a

dancer, an impressionist and a
stand-up comedian.

DN: We were there all the time.

RG: And we don't know quite how it
happened.

ON: We did see some majorly big
actors who we can't name, but they
were big.

RG: But we thought they're not go-
ing to be around for series five and

DN: Or even series two; in fact one
of them went off and became very
big in Hollywood.

RG: We were thinking at that time
that the series would maybe run to
three, we didn't really think...

DN: Certainly Paul's whole sort of
mentality was - a bit like the
"Young Ones", two series and that
was it. And also that there wouldn't
be any stories - you'd run out
stories very quickly.

RDM: Right from the beginning,
from the second episode you were
mapping out the future, which was
only tied up at the end of the second
series. Did you have all that planned
from the start?

RG: We knew rough directions
that's all. and we wanted to make
this Kochanski character an icon for
Lister to pursue, we knew that
much. The two children we planted
in Future Echoes, well we thought
they'll come in handy. As a matter of
interest the first episode we tried to
write for the third series was suppos-
ed to tie series three and two
together, It was called 'Dad' and
Lister was pregnant and he was go-
ing to have the children.

DN: it was basically how he gave
birth to the twins and they had the
accelerated growth - the whole
thing - but it just seemed...

RG: It seemed vaguely funny, in a
homosexual kind of way, where
Rimmer was being dad.

DN: We were also sort of taking the
piss out of pregnant women, which
was not good, so we binned it. We

did the roll up, which was thought of
about ten minutes before.

RG' We were going to have the
scene actually from where he came
out of the medical unit and replayed
the future echoes, which would have
been deadly dull I'm sure.

RDM What about the introduction
of Kryten? Because you did that in
much the same way when you
brought him back as a regular
character - that was fust put in the
roll up.

"The fact that the series
looked so cheap and the
sets were wobbly and it
was all grey actually won

us a lot of friends,

because people felt sorry

for it."

RG: That was Doug, he kept saying
'you've got to bring Kryten back,
you've got to bring Kryten back.'
and I was very resistant.

DN: | was just so sick of . you know,
Holly can't touch anything because
it's just a head. Rimmer can't touch
anything, Cat's character wasn't
really interested and you've just got
Craig. It was hell to write the
episodes and I just thought i wanted
someone who could bring in a tray
or deal with any physical business,
like who drives the vehicle?

RG The problem was finding a new
angle, because m (he first Kryten
episode it was like C3PO part two
really, wasn't it?

DN: That was your big thing; 'we
don't want the bloody robot' - but
then we thought, oh, David Ross
was funny and he'd be really great,
we knew he wanted to do it, so...
had we written any yet?

RG: Yes we had, because we didn't
pick Robert until a couple of weeks
before and he had to go to
Edinburgh.

DN: Well, we can't have written
many.

RG: | think we readjusted the scripts
dramatically and we still had the last

OR,

ANT
AYLOR

one to write.

DN: I think we probably wrote
Robert's part on the run actually.
So, anyway we approached David
Ross who was in "Flea in Her Ear"
and couldn't get out of it, so he
couldn't do it. It was Paul again who
said he'd seen Robert Llewellyn in a
stage show in Edinburgh. He was
doing a show called "Mamon".
playing a robot completely as him
but with robotic movements. He said
we should see it, so we did and it
was funny. Then we saw Robert -
he could pull his face into extraor-
dinary positions and he did this in-
credibly funny walk, which we ac-
tually dropped in the end because it
looked like he was a spastic. You
can't recapture just how funny that
was at the audition it was just one of
those moments. We didn't really see
anyone else.

RG: No - also he's just the nicest
guy in the world, you'll know, you've
met him.

RDM: Yeah.

DN: The very first thing that was
shot with him was a scene in a
sauna, he'd just got measured up
for his mask and put it on. he'd got
all his suit on for the very fist time
and he was wearing long Johns and
the lights were on him. The scene
required him to light two candles
with his fingers, so he was all wired
up for a flame to come out of his
fingers. Because it was wet in there
and he was sweating it was backfir-
ing all the time and he was elec-
trocuting himself. So it was day one,
it was 120° and every time he mov-
ed his arm he got an electric shock;
he just couldn't believe what he'd let
himselt in tor. The scene was cut
from the show in the end.

RDM: Did Norman Lovett leaving at
the same time cause you a
problem?

RG: A massive problem, because it
all happened so close to the line.

DN: A fortnight before.

RG: Norman had a heart attack a
few years earlier and was generally
in the right frame of mind for taking
life a little easier; he'd just go mar-
ried and moved up to Edinburgh. At
that time we used to rehearse in Ac-
ton during the week and then go up
to Manchester for the two days we'd
be recording the show and Norman
didn't want to come down to the
Acton rehearsals, he just wanted to
come to Manchester. He thought it
was stupid going from Edinburgh to
London; you could see his point
really, it kind of made it impossible.

DN: I was in Leicester Square, see-
ing some people about the logo. I'd
just come out of DeWinters. which is
where the people who designed the
logo worked and I just walked into
Hattie - who we'd worked with on
Parallel Universe - and she said 'if
there's any work going bear me in
mind'. One of those strange
coincidences.

RG: We felt it was just too late to
massively re-invent Holly and get a
new character - which is what it re-
quired really.

DN: Especially with Robert coming
in as another new character.

RG: So we got Hattie because we
thought stylistically she is the same
as Norman.

DN: She's very funny as well.

RG: We thought it would be less of a
wrench.

RDM: At the same time you seemed
to change the entire look of the

series.

RG: That was the first series we
produced.

DN: That was why basically

RG: We actually got our hands on it.

DN: | was thinking about this this
morning; the fact that the series
looked so cheap and the sets were
wobbly and it was all grey actually
won us a lot of friends, because peo-
ple felt sorry for it and I think if we'd
gone into it as high-tech and glossy,

ultimately as series three was, we
might have gone down the toilet
right there and then, because peo-
ple would have said 'oh they've got
loads ot money.' Whereas the
budget has remained... we've got
less now than we had for series one.
We've had gradually less and less
all the way down the line, but no-one
believes that because it looks so
much more expensive, but that's
because we're doing it much better

- I mean in terms of production
values, the things we're looking at.
We were always concerned... we us-
ed to run around saying the set has
got to look real, people have got to
believe it, we don't want just any
science fiction set where it looks like
it's going to fall down.

RQ: Nothing with the Kellogg's
rooster on it.

DN: Yeah, no bacofoil costumes
and all that; and then there it was,
too late to change.

RDM: You seemed to change the
emphasis too, from the continuity
based stories of the first two
seasons, to exploring other science
fiction concepts.

RG: That was a deliberate thing, I do
like to do the occasional one where
you're referring back to the series -
it's fun to keep that continuity going

- but in the end it's kind of Aunt
Sally stuff, you're setting up your
Aunt Sally and knocking it down.

DN: There's also this huge science
fiction convention where you should
be consistent from day one all the
way through and people go ab-
solutely wild if you're not. I find it
very, very funny to be quite as incon-
sistent as we've been from
beginning.

RG: We do actually pay lip service to
the continuity, we do try and if we
make a change we sit down and
weigh up whether it's for the better
of the show and if it makes the show
better we'll go for it.

DN: Sometimes it affects continuity
and you've just got to bite the bullet.

RDM: As with the Lister/Kochanski
relationship, which now seems to
have happened but originally it
hadn '(.

RG: We felt that it was less mature,
it was kind of school yard mentality
that he wanted to go out with this
woman and daren't ask her out.

DN: And ultimately it is pretty boring
bringing her back every show and
they have a kind of love affair and

"When we went to

America there were

about fifteen people

doing our job."

then get separated somehow. It
works better in the novels, but even
then in the novels she's used as an
icon rather than being in them
much.

RG: She hasn't got a character,

RDM: Moving on to the novels, were
you approached or did you go to the
publishers?

DN: Actually they were talking about
a novel while we were rehearsing
the first series. I remember at the
time Paul had shown some
Americans the script and they were
really excited about it and there was

GRANT NAYLOR

"UNIMIND"

Working feverishly, Rob Grant and
Doug Naylor produced endless radio
scripts for performers such as Roy
Hudd, the Grumbleweeds and even
Ken Dodd, before fusing into the
single entity, Rob Doug. Realising
that this didn't sound quite right, they
quickly changed their name to Grant
Naylor and wrote their own show for
Radio 4 - 'Son of Cliche'. A break
into TV followed with 'Carrott's Lib'
and in 1984 they started working
with puppets. Sooty and Basil Brush
weren't looking for any new script-
writers at the time, but a brand-new
programme by the name of 'Spitting
Image' had just reached pilot stage.
The project, however, was in some
trouble and two very talented script-
editors were desperately required by
'Spit" to sort things out. They settled
for the incredible unimind of Grant
Naylor, who saved the show, turned
it into a legend, and the rest of
course is history...

talk of books almost immediately.

RG: BBC Books were going to do it,
but we wanted actually not to do a
novelisation of the script but to
make it a proper novel - we didn't
feel that going under a BBC cover
would be very clear to anyone.

ON: We just thought it would be like
the "Porridge" books were.

RG: We went to Penguin.

DN: We held out for quite a long
time though, we deliberately didn't
do it until the end of series two. We
went to lunch with a guy called Tim
Binding who works for Penguin.

RG: We lied to him about how suc-
cessful the series was.

DN: Oh yeah, it's a major cult and
you can't move without people talk-
ing about it, it's watched all over the
world'. I thing he believed about a
tenth of it, but took the gamble
anyway.

RG: He was great

DN: A terrific bloke.

RDM: Are you planning to continue
the books?

RG: We're contractually obliged to
do one more Red Dwarf, but our
next book will be a non Red Dwarf
book.

RDM: Can you tell us anything
about the third Red Dwarf novel?

RG: No, we haven't started it.

RDM: So when are you likely to start
on it?

DN: I don't know actually, we
haven't had any time to work out
what we're going to do and when.

RDM: It's not imminent then?

RG: We haven't actually slept since
the last time we saw you... no - I
doubt it it'll be this year in fact, pro-
bably next year, you know how
things are going.

RDM: The continuity in the novels is
very much linked together, are the
things you've changed in the books

things you wished you'd done with
the TV series?

RG: Yes.
DN: Yes.

RDM: Do you then consider the
novels to be the definitive version?

RG: Yeah, that's the sort of proper
epic.

DN; However, there are always bits

Ihat you can't really reproduce in a
book.

RDM: Can you envisage continuing
the saga in novel form once the TV
series ends ?

RG; Yes, I'm sure and hopefully one
day - and I expect it will be sooner
rather than later - we'll go back
and make a film from the novels,
providing someone is stupid enough
to come up with the money

DN: We don't come cheap.

RDM: How long do you think the
series is likely to go on? Do you still
have plenty of ideas?

RG; We know that a sixth one has

been ordered for this year, but
we've got a few commitments.

DN; It takes about nine to ten
months out of our year and means
we can't do anything else.

RG; That's if we're totally hands on,
this year, as you know, we even
wound up directing some of the
shows, as well as producing and
writing. When we went to America
there were about fifteen people do-
ing our job,

DN: That's right, literally fifteen peo-
ple. And the other thing is, I think
we'll find Chris will get very suc-
cessful with Brittas and will probably
want to do Bnttas over Red Dwarf -
because he's the star of the show.
And Robert - if Red Dwarf takes oft
in LA he won't be able to do both or
if any of his other projects take off
then we might have a serious cast
unavailability problem.

RG; We might have to move into a
universe next series.

DN; So it's hard to say, but I think
the stories are still there.

RG; Oh God, yeah.

DN; It could run and run.

RDM: What sort of programmes
are you working on?

RG: Science fiction comedies still.

DN: An anthology series, sort of like
a comedy "Twilight Zone", for
Cartton.

RG: We're also supposed to be do-
ing this other thing called "Me. Me.
Me. Me, Me," based on the principle
that... oh it's too long to explain.

DN: Based on the principle that
everyone's cells change every
seven years.

RG: So every seven years you're a
completely different person.

DN: In theory - so this is about a
guy who meets all his other selves
aged 14, 21 . 28, 35 and 43 and it's
about how basically they don't really
have very much in common and sort
of unusual combinations like the

fourteen year old gets on much bet-
ter with the...

RG: Twenty eight year old because
he's in his second childhood and the
twenty one year old's having an af-
fair with the thirty five year old's
wife.

RDM; Has that been taken up by
anyone yet?

RG & DN; Yes.

RDM: How tar into production is it?

DN: Oh, it's not. We've got to write
the script.

RDM: Will you be continuing to write
all of your own programmes or tak-
ing a bit of a back seat?

DN; No, in the "OO-EE-00 Dimen-
sion" - we're not doing all the
writing on that.

RG: A long term idea is that hopeful-
ly new people will come into writing
for television from areas of science
fiction, from comics.

DN; We're very interested in graphic
novels, adult comios, the whole
thing; there's a whole pool of great
talent out there that's completely by-
passed by TV.

RG: What is happening generally
speaking is they're being whisked
straight to Hollywood.

DN: You're talking about the best.

RG: But even so it's ludicrous that
Grant and Wagner haven't been do-
ing television over here, for in-
stance, in the last ten years.

DN: There hasn't been any of that
kind of thing.

RG: No there hasn't... they're doing
the Bogie Man aren't they?

RDM: Is there any truth in the

rumour about the Red Dwarf
cartoon?

RG: Oh, that - Charles (Armitage)
has mentioned it a few times, but he
also mentions inter-active video
games and a Red Dwarf car, so it
could be real and it could be not. A

HOLLY - GRAMS

CO

Hi Hoi,

What a wonderful leiler page you

have! One small complain! - only

one letter in the May edition

reflected how truly wonderful

Kryten is1 What a star, where would

the rest of the crew be without his

superior knowledge (second only to

yours, grovel, grovel) and his sheer

dedication to the Space Corps

Directives? What man on earth

comes with a highly usetul groin

attachment?

KRYTEN'S NUMBER ONE FAN,

Leeds.

Dear Smeg Heads,

I Ihink your smegazine is smeggin

brilliant. But your smeggin T-shirts

are only available in large and

smeggin Xlra large Don't you

smeggin Ihink that little smeg

heads read your smeggin

smegazine?

James "smeg head" Higson.

Radcliffe.

Hmm. it looks like we'd better ask
smeggin BMS to make some smeg-
gin smaller shirts, and to be smeg-
gin quick about it.

Dear RDM,

I would like to tell that sad.
boredom-seeking "anonymous"
Red Dwarf fan (HOLLY-GRAMS,
issue 3) lhat if you think Holly's Fun
Page and Holly Ama;ing Facts are
so crap, why do you bother reading
it? If you want something more
"grown-up", why don'! you buy the
Observer instead? I would also like
to point oui thai a leather duster is
not a fashion item (CAT'S
FASHION TIPS, issue 3).
Sarah Wadsley. Birmingham

Try telling that to Kryten. Sarah.

Yo. Boys trom the Dwarf!
Me and my younger brother are
both keen Red Dwarf fans and have
always wondered whal the scrolling
lex! was at Ihe beginning of
"Backwards". You know the one, it
scrolls so damn fast you can*! read
Ihe smegger! Anyway, alter getting
Ihe use ot some nifty video equip-
ment with Ireeze-frame facilities my
brother was able lo wrile n out and I
though! my fellow fans would like to
know exactly whal happened to Ihe
crew between series II and III...
Three million years in the future,
Dave Lister, the last human being
alive, discovers he is pregnant after

a liaison with his female self in a
parallel universe. His pregnancy
concludes with the successful
delivery of twin boys. Jim and Bex-
lev However, because the twins
were conceived in another
universe, with different physical
laws, they suffer from highly ac-
celerated growth rales and are both
eighteen years old within three days
of being born. In order to save their
lives, Lister returns them to the
universe of their origin, where they
are reunited with their father la
woman), and are able to lead com-
paratively normal lives. Well, as
normal as you can be if you 've been
born in a parallel universe and your
fathers a woman and your
mother's a man and you're eigh-
teen years old three days after your
birth.

Shortly afterwards. Kryten, the ser-
vice mechanoid who had left the
ship after being rescued from his
own crashed vessel, the Nova 5. is
found in pieces after his space-bike
crash-lands on an asteroid. Lister
rebuilds the 'noid. but is unable to
recapture his former personality.
Meanwhile. Holly the increasingly
erratic Red Dwarf computer, per-
forms a head sex-change operation
on himself He bases his new face
on Hilly, a female computer with
whom he'd once fallen madly in
tove.

AND NOW THE SAGA
CONTINUUMS...
RED DWARF III - THE SAME
GENERATION - NEARLY.
David (and Mark) Bower. Derwent
College, University of York.

than sleeping on my 'Infinity
Welcomes Carelul Drivers' T-shirt
and has turned it into a hair shirt
rather than the esseniia! ilem ot my
wardrobe it once was. Posy even
goes so far as jumping on top of Ihe
TV and attempting to eal Lister's
curry whenever it appears on
screen. They would like to know if-

a) they are the only feline tans of Ihe
show;

b) there is an animal branch of the
Fan Club.

Alice Drydon, Wimborne
P.S. - Please reply, as my copy ot
Red Dwarf Magazine issue 1 has
gone missing and I have reason to
believe the cats are holding it
hostage in their litter Iray until they
get an answer. Help1

Sounds like you could use a Skutter
to retrieve it, Alice, but seemg that
you're not likely to get one, we'd
better answer your questions ...

a) As Red Dwarf is one ot very tew
shows on TV today that feature a
cat in a leading role, we think that
there must be hordes of cats
all over the country who watch it
avidly Not many have written in to
the magazine just yet.

b) Although there is no special
animal section in the Red Dwarf fan
club, it's our guess that there are
probably quite a few animals in
there already, so Rufus and Posy
are bound to find they <>t m welt.

Dear Red Dwarf Magazine,
I am wnling on behalf ot my two
psychopathic cats, Rufus and Posy,
who are both avid Red Dwarf-
lovers Rutus likes nothing better

Dear Holly

Whoever wrote in and said HOL-
LY'S FUN PAGE and AMAZING
FACTS were crap is an ungrateful
smelly poisonous pimple on the
backside of a crippled sheep.
Yvonne McGruder's peep-hole bra.

piling up in favour of
I p*g*t, just fix
an fO ot 6000

-. t yuettaa now
populai (A . ■■ -terns

of dead crew me
underwear, though Bit fifli

Greetings,

Interesting interpretation of a TV
Programme in a papery sort of way.
I see mysell as a numanoid of the
Sean Hughes (an persuasion, often
partaking in ihe consumption ot
various televisual comedy program-
mes and startling the occasional
bunny. Thus it is my duty as a

SO

■I

reader ot RDM to state that it is the
best thing to come along since
"Toxicl" which sadly died recently,
and you can whip me senseless
with a polymorph if it isn't
otherwise!

Furthermore. I would just like to say
pttkjelrtty, but unfortunately I can't.
Simon "Simon" Scott. Martow.

GASPf What do you think you're do-
ing, Simon? (Or can we call you
Simon?) You can't use the T word
around here. This is Fleetway, tor
smeg's sake. The T word is well
and truly banned! Stick to
pttkjelrtly.

To all the Boys from the Dwarf,
HOWDLY-DOODLY-DOO!
I am writing on behalf of the Shef-
field branch of the Talkie-Toaster
Fan Club. I believe that you have
treated our beloved hero quite
despicably aboard your mining
vessel. Nol many people are lucky
enough to have a morning compa-
nion who also makes you breakfast
(without any arguments what-
soever, might I add) you know,
'hile I am writing this letter I would

like to make a plea to Rob Grant
and Doug Naylor to write Talkie-
Toaster into more of your episodes,
life is lonely without him.
AdrtanS., Sheffield.
P.S. - Would anyone like some
toast?

Nolll

Dear Smeg-pots,

I think the magazine could have a
couple of improvements made to it:
1 . Lister should have another recipe
page. I would like to know how to
make hot lager with croutons.
2. 1 would like a full page on the life
story of Arnold Judas Rimmer, With
great detail given to the incident in-
volving AJR, a pot of compost and
Fiona Barhngton.
Andrew Bmns, Halifax.

HOLLY-GRAMS

Red Dwarf Smegazine

Fleetway Editions Limited

3rd Floor

Greater London House

Hampstead Road

London NWt 7QQ

Smttj H##f> I
Dear Holty,

tn Red Dwarf II, In the episode "Bet-
ter Than Life", Rimmer receives a
letter saying that his father has
died, in this episode Lister says. "I
remember when my dad died, I was
only six'" In Red Dwarf 111, in the
episode "The Last Day", Lister
says that he was abandoned in a
pub when he was just a baby. Is it
just that in "The Last Day" Lister
was completely pissed, or is it a
stupid mistake? Please enlighten
me.
Toby Visram, lllford.

A particularly dull Sunday afternoon on the spaceship Red Dwarf, as held
in audio files in Holly's memory banks and transcribed by Steve Noble.

HOLLY: Well, sit down
then.

RIMMER: To what, may we
ask, do we owe this get-
together? The Queen's
Birthday Bash? A shindig for
Palm Sunday? An Ascension
Day's rave-up?

HOLLY: As a matter of
fact, Arn, I'm just
following Space Corps
regulations I have to get

wailing lor me lo lose weight!

KRYTEN: Cat, Mr. Rimmer,
sir, let's pay attention.
This might be
enlightening!

RIMMER: Always the
optimist, eh Kryten? Last
thing that was enlightening
round here was when you
hosed down the fission
generator with a Squeezee
bottle.

LISTER: Guys, guys, chill

the flower of Christmas,
surrounded in berries and
reeking of good cheer.

CAT: Holly Holly-days That
reminds me ol me!

LISTER: Why does it remind
you of you?

CAT: Cause livin' in this body is a
permanent, three hundred and sixty
live day a year holiday! Yowl

RIMMER: Holly. Holly
Hollowhead. Hollow-brained.

The Name Game

everyone together for
some official R&R
according to the latest
batch of psychological
profiles,

LISTER: In other words, Hoi,
you've brought us together
so that we don't all go
completely and utterly
bonkers.

HOLLY: Spot on.

CAT: Lei me gel this correct. You
put me and goalpost-head In the
same room for the sake of our
sanity? That's like putting me and a
fishy or two in the same bowl and

out. What's the game. Hoi? Hollow-headed...

Hoi: Here we go. We
name a word and
everyone has to guess
the derivation of it, or just
say what it reminds them
of I thought we'd start
with our names, first.

KRYTEN: Like, Holly, for
instance?

HOLLY: That's right. What
does it make you think

KRYTEN: Why, it reminds
me of happy times. Holty...

LISTER: All right, all right.
Rimmer. This is supposed to
be a positive exercise. D'you
know what it reminds me of?
The band, the Hollies.

RIMMER: More than one?
God forbid. . .

LISTER: They were greatf
They were me Dad's
favourite band. What were
those songs they sang?

RIMMER: Let me guess...
The Air That I Don't Breath?
He Ain't Heavy ~ he's a

kraitan

smegging Hologram?

HOLLY: Let's try someone
else. Kryten?

LISTER; Ahh - I know this
one. After that old movie, the
'Admirable Crichton'. He
was the ideal manservant.

KRYTEN: Why, thank you,
Mr Lister.

RIMMER: Kryten.
Cretin -made-of -tin.

HOLLY: What about you,
CaP

CAT: Kryten. That reminds me of

LISTER: Why?

CAT: 'Cause trial's what I always
oo when I'm markin' myselt on a
score of one to ten!

LISTER: Say what?

CAT: I cry ten I

LISTER: So what about your
name. Cat?

KRYTEN: Cat! From the
Spanish, El Gato.
Meaning...

RIMMER: Meaning he
reminds you of fat Spanish
goits with too much Black
Forest trifle in their disgusting
bloated stomachs.

LISTER: Oh. productive
contribution, Rimmer...

CAT; Call That reminds me of me!

LISTER: Only the two of us
left, then, Rimmer. Me first.
Lister...

KRYTEN: Reminiscent of
the great composer, sir,
Franz Josef Liszt.

LISTER: Yeah. Yeah, I like
that. I always thought it was
kind of a cool name, y'know,
kind of analytical. He who
makes lists.

RIMMER: Or, of course,
Lister - he who lists a lot.
Listing from side to side,
wandering down the high
street, wearing a gorgeous
bouquet of day-old lager and
chicken korma... Listy listing
Lister.

KRYTEN: So, there's only
Mr. Rimmer left.

RIMMER; I've always been
proud of the name Rimmer. It
means something, you know,
something majestic. Rimmer
- explorer of the Galactic
Rim. Rimmer - corruption of
Rhymer, or singer,
songmaker. Bringer of
pleasure to the masses.

LISTER: Also known as
Under The Rimmer, the
famous toilet-cleaner.

RIMMER: Oh, another slice
of adult wit, eh ? Our potty
leaving marks on our both/ is
it? A bit petulant are we? I'm
not surprised. We can't all
have heroic, all-conquering
surnames. We can't all...

KRYTEN: Why, sir! I've just
discovered the actual
derivation of the word
Rimmer. It seems that your
ancestors realty were
bringers of pleasure! It
seems that Rimmer - one
who rims - refers to an
ancient and rather deviant
sexual practice amongst
humans in which...

(Holly's audio banks
appear to have been
edited at this juncture.)

LISTER: I knew it. I knew it!
He couldn't take it. Serves
him right. Hoi, you'll have to
do better next time. This is
supposed to bring us
together - y'know, the Boys
from the Dwarf - not send
Rimmer off with the
screamin' ab-dabs.

CAT: Those are his ab-dabs?

HOLLY: P'raps you're
right. How about
something a little easier?
Whist? Gin Rummy? Stud
Poker?

CAT: Stud Poker'' That reminds

me of me! (Tape End )

kaet

DWARF

^EPISODE GUIDE

Hell, it had to happen. We've come to our fifth and final episode guide. \t last

you ran recall those heady days of just over 4 months ago. when Series V was on

air and all was right with the universe.

■VII we can say now is. come on Grant !\aylor Productions - get another series

made, so we can run a guide to Series VI!

Written by Rob Grant

Produced by Hilary

and Doug Naylor.

Bevan Jones.

Designed by Mel Bibby
and Stephen Bradshaw.
Visual Effects by Peter

Wragg.

SERIES V

Executive producers:
Grant Naylor
Directed by Juliet May
and Grant Naylor.

Music by Howard

A Grant Naylor Produc-

Goodall.

tion for BBC North.

1. HOLOSHIP - First broadcast on 20
February 1992.

"Twice a day. that's more than some
people manage in a lifetime... I mean
sad, lonely people."

CAST NOTES: Jane Horrocks appears
as Rimmer's Hotogramalic lover. Nir-
vanah Crane: Matthew Marsh, Don War-
rington, Simon Day and Jane Mon-
tgomery were some of the Enlighten-
ment crew and Lucy Briers was
Harrison

When Starbug encounters Enlighten-
ment, a ship crewed by the holograms of
space corps' elite personnel, Rimmer
knows thai the Holoship is where he
belongs; true, ship's regulations will re-
quire him to indulge in sexual congress
at least twice a day but he's quite
prepared to make the sacrifice -
especially with the beautiful Nirvanah
Crane One obstacle stands in Rim-
mer's way, namely an intelligence con-
test; unfortunately, Enlightenment has a
full complement of crew members so
should Rimmer succeed it will be at the
expense of a fellow hologram's ex-
istence. Now Rimmer might not be ex-
cessively bright but he is shrewd and
furthermore he's got a perfect plan -
he'll cheat, and despite his intelligence
expanding, mind-patching operation go-
ing a bit awry, Rimmer is duly assigned
to the Holoship. Bidding a not too (earful
farewell to his acquaintances on Red
Dwarf - who have already begun audi-

tions for a replacement hologram -
Rimmer prepares to take up his post
when he discovers that his new found
love, Nirvanah Crane has sacrificed
herself for him. Rimmer has two
choices: fulfil his dreams and remain
aboard the Enlightenment or follow the
example set by the mushy romantic
films he so despises and give up
everything for love. No-one is more sur-
prised by his final decision than Rimmer
himself.

2. THE INQUISITOR- First broadcast
on 27 February 1992
"All in all, today's been a bit of a bum-
mer hasn't it sir?"

CAST NOTES: The Inquisitor was
played by John Docherty. his first victim
Thomas Altman was played by James
Cormack and Jake Abraham appeared
as another version of Dave Lister.

The crew of the Red Dwarf are worried,
the Inquisitor has arrived to assess their
worthiness to live and should they fail to
justify their existences to him they'll be
wiped from history itself. Rimmer is an-
noyed. If someone had told him that he
should have led a worthwhile life he'd
have given his own credit card number
when pledging money to Telethons. The
Cat however is in no doubt about his
own value, after all his beautiful ass has
given so much pleasure to the world.
Unfortunately Lister and Kryten don't

(are as well as their crewmates, at least
they did have the potential to make
something of themselves, but both fail-
ed miserably The Inquisitor decides
they'll have to go. but thanks to the
assistance of Kryten's future self. Lister
and the mechanoid manage to escape
before their physical forms have been
deleted. The Inquisitor isn't very pleas-
ed, not surprising really since he's just
gone to the trouble of altering the
timelines ano creating replacements for
them. Now the two fugitives not only
have a very irritated simulant to contend
with but they ail get a hostile reception
from their old shipmales who no longer
recognise them Their only hope lies in
the puzzling last word spoken by the
Kryten from the fulure - "Enig".

3. TERRORFORM - First broadcast on

5 March 1992.

"If you absolutely insist on using erotic

persuasion to achieve your devious

ends then so be it, just have a large

quatro formaggion pizza ready at the

end."

CAST NOTES: Sara Stockbndge and
Franclne Walker-Lee played the scantily
dressed hand-maidens and Chris Barrie
got lo portray various aspects of Rim-
mer's personality

Moon-hopping is one of Rimmer's
favourite pastimes; at least it was until
he hopped onto a Psy-moon - an ar-

titiciai planetoid aole to reconfigure its
landscape according to an individual's
psyche A world derived from Arnold
Rimmer's subconscious is probably not
a good place to spend a holiday, but
things start oil OK lor Rimmer when a
couple ol barely clothed handmaidens
give his naked chest an oiling. Unfor-
tunately, that's where his luck ends. The
oiling is merely to make his body more
conductive to the electric shock torture
about to be administered by the Dark
One. the ruler of the moon, who it seems
is none other than a manifestalion of
Rimmer's own self-loathing. His ship-
mates attempts at rescue prove futile,
the Dark One is apparently invulnerable
to bazookoid fire and his hooded legions
- themselves the personifications ot
Rimmer's negative emotions - are
many However there is one way to
defeat the creature and escape, all
Lister, Kryten and the Cat have to do is
boost Rimmer's self confidence by per-
suading him that they really do like him
and think he's one hell of a guy; but this
might prove difficult because, after all. it
simply isn't true.

4. QUARANTINE - First broadcast on
12 March 1992.
Mr Flibble is very angry."

CAST NOTES: Maggie Steed played Di
Hidegrade Lanstrom and Mr Flioble ap
pea red as him sell

A visit to a Viral Research establishment
and an encounter with a deranged yet
powerful hologramatic doctor prompts
Rimmer to confine his crewmates to
Quarantine. In all fairness to Rimmer he
does follow the regulations set out in the
Space Corps Directives manual when
dealing with the others. As specified, he
provides reading matter - in the form of
a Knitting magazine; entertainment,
namely the video "Wallpapering. Pain-
ting and Stippling - a DIY guide' and a
varied menu consisting of a wide variety
of meals comprising entirely of sprouts.
However, it turns out that Rimmer is the
one that has been contaminated - with
a holo-virus - and as a result he dons a
red and white checked gingham dress
and army boots, teams up with a glove
puppet named Mr Flibble and sentences
his naughty shipmates to two hours

W.0.0 (WithOut Oxygen). Things look
pretty bad. but by using an injection of a
good luck virus taken from the Viral
Research Department, Lister is able to
get himself and his friends out ot
Quarantine, but will his luck hold out
against the destructive psi-powers
possessed by the now completely in-
sane Rimmer?

S. DEMONS AND ANGELS - First
broadcast on 19 March 1992.
"Rude alert, rude alert, an electrical tire
has knocked out my voice recognition
unicycle; many wurlitzers are missing
from my data base. Abandon shop, this
is not a daffodil, repeat this is not a daf-
fodil "

Jim

j> ."-'•'' 4

■ 'AS* "

• ••

• •»

• *V

"rTrfiM

i

CAST NOTES: No guest artists Out the
regulars ail played High' and Low' ver-
sions ol their characters

Kryten and Lister's tinkering with the old
matter paddle creates a triplicator. The
device seems to work fine on fruit and
produces the ultimate strawberry, but it
also produces one that isn't so tasty -
unless of course you have a predilection
for maggots. When the gizmo is revers-
ed the crew of the fled Dwarf are lucky
to escape with their lives before the min-
ing ship explodes. Fortunately two new
Red Dwarfs are created in the accident
and consequently so are two new
Iriplicators; theoretically the reversal
can be reversed, using parts trom both.
The aesthetic, culture-loving crew of the
'High' Red Dwarf are only too eager to
provide some well intenttoned help (and
their Pot Noodles are edible) The 'Low'
version's deranged, psychopathic crew
on the other hand aren't so helpful, in
fact whal they'd really like to do is
murder their perfect counterparts and
steal their vessel. Using the original
Lister as a remote controlled killing
machine turns out to be quite a suc-
cessful method of achieving their ambi-
tions, but the "Boys from the Dwarf"
don't die so easily, or do they?

6. BACK TO REALITY - First broad-
cast on 26 March 1992.

"Have you quite finished being
strange?"

CAST NOTES: Lenny Van Oohlen was
the cop, Leisure World statl included
Timotny Spall as Andy and Marie
McCarthy as the Nurse. Jake Shanan
and Anastasia Hille appeared bnelly as
(he new LiSW and Kochanskt

The crew ol the SSS Esperanto have
committed suicide; a similar fate has
befallen all the marine creatures on the
planet - except one. Attempting to
evade the gigantic squid, Starbug
crashes and explodes. Instead ot finding
tnemselves in little pieces, its occupants
wake to discover that for lour years they
have been playing 'Red Dwarf - The
Total Immersion Video Game'. Their
new personas are somewhat different;
Lister is Sebastian Doyle, a high ranking
official in a Fascist run state; Rimmer is
Billy Doyle, Sebastian's brother and a
complete failure and Cat is the buck-
toothed, hopelessly unfashionable
Duane Dibley. Compared to what they
had been on Red Dwarf, their new lound
lives are anathema. Only Kryten is
pleased with the 'real' him - Jake
Bullet, a partly human cop in the
Cybernetics Division (traffic control). But
when he is forced to take a human lite in
order lo save a young girl, the
mechanoid too begins to despair. Only
Holly is aware of whal is real and what is
fantasy, and it'll take some hasty Italian
cooking to deal with the hallucination-
inducing despair squid and prevent the
others from carrying out their suicide
pact. .%

The first...

and greatest of them all!

Action every two months from

r i f f ruifll
eoiTicns

- The home of heroes!

CAPTION COMPETITION 2 RESULTS

THATS GOT

THE LIME BASTARD

ITS 10,000 VOLTS STRAIGHT

TO THE BROWNING KNOB NEXT

TINE HE UTTERS THE

WORD WAST!

Covered in glory this time is Ian Edwards who supplied a pretty violent,
but decidedly appropriate caption. Well done, Ian, your baseball cap is on
its way... wear it with pride!

Once again, we were inundated with
entries, ranging from the bad to the
truly terrible. Oh. and there were a tew
funny ones, too. and some ol the best
runners-up definitely deserve a men-
tion. Nicholas Walker (yes. him again)
came up with Kryten saying: "When I
suggested that we toast Mr Rimmer at
his deathday party, I didn't expect you
!o ram his light bee into the Talkie-
Toaster." Probably the punniest sug-
gestion came from Nina Lynch, she
also has Kryten speaking: "Singing
'Riding Along on the Crust of a Wave'
is not at all helpful, sir." And the
weirdest one has to be from Leila At-
chinson. who has Lister saying: "Oh
wow! What was on that toast, and
where did that elephant come from?"
Perhaps inspired by 'The Mary
Whitehouse Experience*. P.J. Horrel
also has the curry-stained one talking
and telling Kryten: "You see thai
Toaster, that's your girlfriend that is."
Mick Jones has the Toaster speaking
in Rimmer's voice: "Under Space
Corps Directive 721 . it is an offence to
chloroform a superior officer and swap
his mind with any form of kitchen hard-
ware - toasting or otherwise." And
finally. Sue Graham picked up on a dif-
ferent tack, having Kryten say: "I know
you are still suffering hallucinations
from the space fever, sir, but you are
not a teapot and cannot do that to the
Toaster " Of course, there were plenty
of unprintable entries again, most of
which were concerned largely with
Kryten's groinal socket. It's anything
for a cheap laugh with you lot. isn't it?

T±

*

Okay, it's time to try again. Here
are Rimmer and Ihe Cat in less
lhan familiar garb. Get your ideas
onto paper and send them to us at:

RED DWARF CAPTION COMP 3
FLEETWAY EDITIONS LTD
3RD FLOOR

GREATER LONDON HOUSE
HAMPSTEAD ROAD
LONDON NW1 7QO

Make your entry funny and you
might even win a fabulous Red
Dwarf baseball cap. Look out for
the results in issue 9, you've got
about a month to get your entry in
to stand any chance of winning!

Baseball caps and lots of other
Red Dwarf goodies are available
from:

(BMS) MAIL ORDER LIMITED
P.O. Box 10
London SW19 3TW
(VISA/ACCESS HOTLINE:
TELEPHONE 081 543 4105)

MAXX CARDS COME IN PACKS OF FIVE AT 25P RRP PER PACK.